Today, I woke up, made breakfast, showered, got the kids ready for their play date, went to the play date, ate lunch, visited for about 3 hours, then came home. Now it's 3:00, and I'm sitting down at the computer for the first time.
It's so easy to say that I don't have time to write. After all, I have books to read with the kids, games to play with the kids, snacks to make for the kids. My life is all about kids. I read "candy" books so that I don't get annoyed when the kids interrupt me. I have a list of "shoulds" that I'm not doing.
But I'm actually just sitting on my butt surfing or reading while the kids do something different. Granted, I really can't do serious, immersion-type writing while I'm on the job, but I can do some thinking and noting and reading. So why am I rehashing the same old stuff?
Part of it is fear. Part of it is that I really don't know who I am outside of the Mommy. Part of it is that making writing the center of my life, even when I'm doing other things, is hard. It doesn't pay anything. I'm not contributing to the household. But you know what--when I'm waiting for the kids' next page, I'm not contributing anything either.
There's also the fact that I don't know who or what I am right now. That's a harder pill to swallow. What do I WANT to write? What NEEDS to be written? How do I get that vision to the page? Sometimes I really resent the events that have conspired to get me here. I'm so damn tired of hiding, but I don't know how to come out into the open. I don't know how to get the inner me to come out and play. I'm so busy being the role, I've lost track of the inner core. I speak the language, but I've lost track of the Being.
Who do I want to be? What do I want to be remembered for?
Do I want to be remembered?
Why?
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