Confusion says ...

What am I supposed to be doing? Why?

That isn't the question I want to ask, though. The question is, "What do I WANT to be doing?" And the answer is, "I don't know."

Well, not really. I do have some clues, though.

I know that I'm happier when I have intellectual input. I know that I want to participate in intellectual discussions. I know that I'm good at setting my thoughts and ideas in text and when I finish a writing session, even if the writing his gone badly, I feel good. I know that I want to change others the way I have been changed by my favorite thinkers.

I also have many hang-ups about what I can and can't write.

In my classwork, I had a teacher who was incredibly resistant to writing with a metaphysical tinge, so I learned not to write what I think or believe into Story. When I was in seventh grade, my journal was used as evidence in a court of law--and the decision of that court was that my sister would be allowed to move out of the house where I lived and in with Mom. Yep, my words got my sister taken away from me. So I have a very hard time writing my innermost thoughts and feelings, especially if they aren't positive, into any forum, public or private.

Both of these have combined to completely hamstring me right now. You see, even if I'm writing for me, as I was in my journal, Bad Things happen. If I'm writing for others, any belief that's out of the ordinary (99.9% of my spiritual life) is out-of-bounds.

I'm hoping that by recognizing these blocks, I can bash them to bits, because I can only win if I have the freedom to write what I NEED to write, not what others expect me to write.